Moving On 101

Moving on is a state of mind and an abstract of emotions.

Yes naman, feeling lecturer. Why? Ang dami ko na kasing moving on na pinagdaanan. Hehe. And I have a pretty good collection of the moving on processes I've gone through; those that have worked and those that did not. Disclaimer. Moving on still depends on the person experiencing it.

An anticipated ending hurts badly, how much more if its an unseen one? I experienced my first real heartbreak back when I was  in 3rd year high school. It was really painful; I cried myself to sleep for 3 long months and it turned me into someone I never wanted to be: pathetic and loser me.

Denial of my own shortcomings plus hatred pushed me to do things I should have not done. I confronted the girl, threw harsh and evil words, used someone to get even and be a rebound, spread nasty things about the involved, and a lot more.

A few more heartbreaks after. Moving on back then meant make myself looked like the victim, showed everyone I did no wrong, and jumped from one guy after another to boost my shattered ego.

What did it bring me? Nothing but a long time haunting of my own retired self. It was tiring to combat with your own repression, trying to always prove everybody I was strong.

Until another heartbreak moved me. And here are the things that helped me:

Prayers: As they say, prayers can move mountains. Yes it can. Without a doubt it can. It has always been my number one gear to get through the painful days of being heart broken. I need not elaborate further.

Cut all ties: It was my first time to steer away from the noisy and nosy world, and it worked. I, a self-confessed social networking freak, gave up FB that time. That was to avoid hearing any kind of story about my past. I asked my friends not to mention his name nor share with me anything about him. I even stopped communicating with our common friends just to secure myself not to know anything. Yes, I was in denial, I was coward, I walked out. I don't care. It helped me. A LOT.

Cry: It won't make you less of a person if you cry. Its a heartbreak, no one's ever gone through an easy heartbreak! You don't have to act or show people you are strong. Admit it, you are not. Cry until you cry no more, until tears do not fall anymore, until you end up smiling or laughing because you're just forcing yourself to mourn.

Of course, the support system: My friends and family were never out of the picture. But this time, I learned to choose who to go to. I learned that not everyone is a friend to you. Out of 25 considered friends, only 10 were proven to be true. So be careful.

And lastly (though not necessary but it did help me), open yourself to a new reason to smile because of kilig. I found mine a month after...and that smile stays until this moment. :)

I didn't say that you have to force yourself, just open up. It will help you taste a much sweeter life after chewing a bitter crap of the past. :)

Shout to the Lord

My Jesus, my Savior,
Lord, there is none like you.
All of my days, I want to praise,
The wonders of your mighty love.

My comfort, my shelter,
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship you.

Shout to the Lord, all the earth let us sing.
Power and majesty, praise to the king.
Mountains bow down, and the seas will roar,
At the sound of your name.
I sing for joy at the work of your hands,
Forever I'll love you,
Forever I'll stand.
Nothing compares to the promise I have
In you.

My Jesus, my Savior.
Lord, there is none like you.
All of my days, I want to praise,
The wonders of your mighty love.

My comfort, my shelter,
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship you.

10 realizations for the past week

1. Its not as hard as I thought it would be. I can, definitely can end my day smiling without you contributing. :)

2. Those girls will never accept my existence and will continue dwelling on the past. I have no choice but to keep an open mind.

3. I love my job. Its something I have not felt for a long time. Its a kind of high that will never do you wrong. Smile, you have a job :)

4. Of all the people I've known and "befriended" from 24/7, only 10 people are considered to be true friends. Less than 5%. Tsk.

5. Ms. Gert needs a lot of prayers from people. She needs divine intervention. I'm not perfect, not the nicest, but I know I'm far from being like her.

6. Its fun to be busy doing things at work. My heart is feeling light for meeting new people. Network widening plan. :)

7. My anger is nothing compared to the level of anger my friends feel whenever someone's trying to put me down. I love them.

8. Amazing to think that I got to see and bond w the most loved friends in my life.

9.  If you wanna get pissed, you stay outside and walk under the sun from 11am-530 pm.

10. I'm worried that if things go the way he/we wanted it to be, I'll be the one not sure if its really what I prayed to have. #discernment

Ang Paboritong Libro ni Divina

Lahat naman tayo may kanya-kanyang konsepto ng salitang paborito. Aminin mo, kahit naman sa ibang bagay, iba-iba tayo ng konsepto. Ganyan kasi talaga ang buhay, hindi tayo pare-pareho.

Wow libro. Oo, mahilig ako magbasa at mahilig akong maniwala sa mga nababasa; minsan tinatapos ko, minsan naman ako ang natatapos kasi naiiwan akong mukhang tanga--kasi di ko naintindihan, hindi para sa akin ang istorya.

Sa dami ng binasa ko simula nung bata ako, ngayon lang ako kumapit sa isang libro na kung ituring ko sa ngayon ay pinaka-paborito. Paborito? Sa dahilang ang tagal ko ng gustong mabasa ito, bumilang ako ng mahabang panahon para mahawakan at masimulang basahin ito. Dati, nakikita ko lang, nababasa ko ang likod, hinuhulaan ko ang pinaka-istorya. Di ako nagkaron dati ng pagkakataon para mabili at mabasa. Ang daming naging dahilan at saka minabuti kong magbasa na lang ng mga librong kung hindi mura o walang kwenta, eh mga librong patapon at di na dapat na nasulat pa.

Masyado akong nadismaya sa huling libro na aking binasa. Di nakakaaliw kaya ginawa ko lahat para makuha ang paborito ko na patuloy kong ninanasa. Hindi naman pala mahirap gaya ng inakala ko, at eto sa wakas, nakuha ko na ang librong ang tagal ko ng pinapantasya. Nagawan ko ng paraan para makuha sya, ang galing ko talaga. Kulang na lang magtatalon ako sa tuwa na sa wakas, nasa kamay ko na.

Dali-dali kong binuksan, tiningnan ang laman. Di ko muna binasa, pinagmasdamn ko muna, niramdam ko at niyakap ang librong matagal ko ng pangarap. Pilit kong iniisip bakit di ko mabitawan at bakit hindi maintindihan ng aking mga kaibigan. Hindi naman daw maganda ang librong yan; madumi, walang aral, at puro luha lang. Sabi ko na lang, 'basta iba sya, maski ako di ko na kayang maipaliwanag pa.' Dahil pera ko naman at hindi naman ako humingi o nangutang, binili ko pa rin ang libro kahit labag sa kanilang kalooban. Bakit? Ako naman ang babasa at hindi sila, diba? Hindi ko naman sinabing, basahin din o di kaya naman ay tanggapin.

Sinimulan ko ng basahin. Tangina, iba talaga! Araw-araw kong binabasa, araw-araw akong sumasaya. Oo, minsan di maganda ang sinasabi ng ibang pahina, pero habang tumatagal, para sa akin ay lalong gumaganda ang istorya. Habang binabasa ko, lumalalim ang interes, nabubuhay ang iba't ibang pag-asa. Nakaka-aliw, nakaka-iyak, nakaka-kilig. Lahat na yata ng pakiramdam, naramdaman ko na, lintek na libro to, iba ka pala talaga!

Kaya lang, hindi naman araw-araw may oras ako para umupo at magbasa, may mga panahon ding pagod ako at ayoko muna syang makita. May araw din naman na hindi ko alam kung asan sya; maaring nailagay ko ibang lagayan o biglang may humiram pansamantala. Ngayon hawak ko ang librong ang tagal kong pinangarap na mabasa. Asa gitna pa lang ako ng istorya, malayo pa sa katapusan. Hindi ko naman inakala na ang librong to ay mahaba pala, akala ko katulad lang ng iba, maikli at walang kwenta.

Sa una masaya talaga, pero gaya ng nasabi ko na, lumalalim habang dumadaan ang mga araw at ang ngiti ay nawawala na. Napapalitan ng pag-iisip, pag-aaalala, pangamba, at pag-asang minsan meron, minsan wala. Ngayon, gabi na. Pagod na ang aking mga mata, pero gusto kong matapos ko na. Pinipilit kong tapusin. At ang mismong kabanatang aking binabasa, ay tila ayaw akong mahiga, nagbibigay ng kwentong kaaya-aya.

Eto na yun eh, eto na ang librong dati ay akala kong hindi ko kelan man makukuha. May pagkakataon akong patuloy na magbasa o itigil na dahil masakit na sa mata. Alam ko naman ako lang makakasagot nyan. Hindi ko lang alam kung tutuloy pa ba ako sa paglipat sa sunod na pahina o isasara ko muna at ipagpapabukas na.

Ang hirap naman. Pag tinuloy ko ang pagbabasa, maaring di ako matuwa gawa ng baka dahil sa antok at sakit ng mata, hindi ko maintindihan at malula. Pero pwede din namang sa mga sunod na kabanata ay mawala ang aking pagod at ako ay matuwa, magpasalamat at ipagsigawan na, "grabe kang libro ka,iba ka talaga! worth all the troubles, from wanting, getting, and finally reading and settling in!"

Pero sa kabilang banda, pwede din namang ipahinga ko na lang muna ang sakit ng aking mata. Ipagpabukas na lang o kaya wag ng tapusin pa. Yun nga lang, baka pag bukas, wala na akong momentum at saya. Pero baka naman pag pinagpabukas ko, mawala na lang at di ko na makita... ang librong matagal ko ng gustong mabasa.

Hay. Taragis kang libro ka, ansakit mo sa mata, pero grabe, gustong gusto kita.

Bahala na kung ililipat ko sa sunod na pahina o ipagpabukas na lang ang mga sunod na kabanata o itigil na ng tuluyan ang aking pagbabasa.

for whatever its worth

"It’s not about who hurt you and broke you down. It’s about who was always there and made you smile again."

Yes you can and I know you will hurt me as well. Nevertheless, I want to thank you for helping me stand up with a smile on my face, just because you are there and you care. You may have been the rebound at first, and I may have been the flavor of the month, but what matters is, you stayed and will forever stay in my heart. Our journey together is definitely far from ideal, something that we can easily rectify just by going back and never again knock. I guess that's how stubborn we are, we continuously walk the uncertain path. 

For whatever its worth, know in your heart that I will always be grateful for the past year with you right after my painful heartbreak plus the years I've been admiring you from a far. I will never regret the day that we both agreed to blindly walk this road of life and love. 

This is an amazing feeling; surprising, annoying, heart-warming, and heart-breaking. With all these and more, I guess I have made myself ready to go back and forth, left and right, smile and cry. Not just because I feel strongly for you, but because I have given up on trying not to mind the happiness you make me feel inside and out.